This year, the lesson seems to be something along the lines of “the more effort and thought you put into it, the more spectacularly you will fail.” It’s as true now in my love life as it is in my career this year. I didn’t see it coming with work. I’d like to say I didn’t see it coming with you either… but that’s not really true. It was pretty vexed from the beginning and it’s been dying like a small quiet pet that people keep forgetting to feed for a long time now. Or like someone who says “it’s just a scratch” and doesn’t know their blood isn’t going to clot and bleeds to death so incredibly slowly that you might not even notice if you’re not really paying attention.

And you stopped paying attention a long time ago.

 

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I pulled the plug because it’s too late now — too much resentment built up and I realized I was keeping score, spending more time in fact keeping score than I was actually interacting with you, and then of course any interaction is clouded by the film of that resentment, and there wasn’t enough of it to ever actually clear that film away. But I’m sorry for it. I think I would have been kinder to us both had I not kept waiting for you to do or be something or someone that you consistently made clear, through your action (or non-action), that you could not or would not do or be right now. It’s all been rather heartbreaking , the errors and misjudgments and realizations, and most of all I think because I really had no inkling at all that ending up here was even a possibility when I initially decided to take the gamble.

In fact, earlier this year I hit a point where I thought I could see how it would ultimately go – how we would eventually part ways – and I wasn’t even all that sad thinking about it, because it seemed we would leave each other better off than where we found each other, and when other things came along that meant one of us had to pull up stakes, the other just wouldn’t follow, and that would be that, and there wouldn’t be any hard feelings. I was so sure that the one thing that wouldn’t go wrong was our ability to communicate. So one of the underlying or original failures was simple misapprehension; I could not have been more wrong about what would be our undoing. Ultimately I gave you way too much credit and I didn’t give myself nearly enough, because I would never have predicted that you’d have so utterly failed to hear and understand me or that I would try so many times, in so many ways, to communicate with you.  I put up with being taken for granted for so long in part because I couldn’t believe that for you, of all people, taking me for granted would end up being your default. I suppose it had to end like it did because it began like it did. So I suppose it was doomed at the outset.

And I suppose you still don’t really understand why I’m angry, or where the sadness and frustration that that anger is a symptom of even come from. It has been so astonishingly painful because it seemed like, at first, you really did get me, in a way that nobody had for a very long time. And I don’t suppose I”ll ever really understand what happened for you, what happened in your head or what got you where you went.

But now, at least, instead of a relationship made up of grieving that is punctuated by sporadic bursts of hope, it will be all grieving and no hope, and that might be the only option I have for ever seeing the end of the grief.

 

 

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